"Being, Not Doing": a reflection from Kevin Ryan
I am a human being, and most people think I do that quite well, but it’s a lie, or, at least, quite deceptive. The truth is, for all of my adult life, I have been, much more, a human doing, and the stationary and isolated orders of this COVID-19 pandemic are just about to drive me nuts! I am not a workaholic, but I don’t “do nothing” very well at all. I frequently like making lists and checking things off; I like knowing my gifts and putting them to the good use of others as well as myself. But right now, that urge to do as been pushed aside, or has been slowly sifted down to the simplicity of just being, and as much as I have advocated, preached, and promoted this very state of calm, when it is the only one that seems available to me, I find myself writhing so to get out of this cocoon.
Ten more years with the Master, we used to say in meditation circles when we laughingly caught ourselves lacking true awareness of the present moment. I must be up to a thousand years, by now! I have been given more time to observe, and more opportunities to contemplate than ever before in my life, and though I am certain that I have longed for such gifts, now that they are here, I find myself fighting them, frustrated, at the very least. And my awareness of this tension between doing and being is, in itself, a source of additional tension for me.
It seems a special “blessing” that this virus erupted in the early spring when temperatures have been slightly below normal, and rainfall amounts spill over the seasonal standard. On such days, the natural inclination is to stay inside, so no problem there. But in between the rain and the chillier temps, have been days enough where the wonder of spring has exploded in its wardrobe of color, sounds, smells, and the warm splash of sunshine – and now we have the chance to observe and enjoy it all! Sure, on these days, one is drawn to the out-of-doors, but the experience of this flourishing dance can be enjoyed in one’s backyard, and even in the safe social-distancing of a Metro Park. All this time to just be in the lovely two step dance of the oscillating spring, and I now I find myself, of all things, wanting the return of routine and schedule. What is wrong with me!?
The difference, it seems to me, is that I am not choosing this situation, but rather, it has been thrust upon me. It is a new twist to the old challenge of “embracing what is.” Normally – whatever that is or was! – our learning curve comes from learning to accept the difficult trials that inevitably come with life, and surely this stay-at-home order has that in it as well. But the trial of this order is not to do more, but to be okay with doing less, and just be; and that seems a gift that any of us would welcome, except that I don’t seem to be! When I step away from the tumult of life’s busyness and responsibilities for the satisfaction and rejuvenation of a quiet retreat, even one that comes with self-chosen and self-inflicted sacrifice, I want it done on my terms and on my decisive time. I may need a break, but by golly, I want to choose it; I want… control! And nothing about this pandemic experience says, “I got this.”
Perhaps what I could use is a little more yoga! I appreciate, and often marvel, at those who attend my yoga classes on a regular basis (well, when we were in “regular time”) because they never know what they will get on any given day. As I seek to offer variety in my classes, those who attend can never be sure “what today will bring,” and yet, people come, and they seem to embrace whatever it is they get. And I need more of that spirit! Siddhartha, the Buddha, taught that we humans are drawn into suffering of our own making whenever we try to (excessively) control life, the circumstances and the outcomes. I want time for meditation, reflection, prayer, and the exercise of yoga, and I will frequently complain about the lack of it when “other needs” crowd out these desires; but what I am also painfully realizing during this pandemic is that I want all of those things on my terms, and subsequently, I am “suffering.” What I have “asked” of my yoga students for years – to work with and be okay with whatever it is I throw at you today – is exactly what I am being given in a daily dose. Maybe you wanted some hip work, but today my class focused on shoulders; maybe you wanted a strong, steady flow class, but today we started and ended on our backs with the slow unfolding of held poses. And maybe what you wanted isn't what you needed, because what we need is often not what we want. Yes, this shutdown is “a rare gift” for people like me. I don’t want or need it, but as it squeezes out what I want, I am realizing more and more what it is that I might need. Here’s to another day that feels like “ten years with the Master.”
In the end, Life should not even be about needs and wants, for each of those will come in their own good time, and when they do, we ought to be ready to wrap our safe-distance arms around them.
Join Kevin for Re-Treat Yoga every Friday from 12 to 1 PM. During this stay at home period, he is also offering Rise & Shine Yoga on Tuesdays, 8 to 9 AM.